So, sifting through the documents, I came upon one in particular that hit a nerve. It was an annual performance review from my days as a salesperson for a retailer whose name I won't mention here. :-) There were a few "needs improvement" comments that, quite honestly, made me a little ill... remembering how hurt and angry I was... and how I felt completely unvalued at the time. But any remnants of those old feelings quickly gave way to gratitude. And relief. All the places of "needs improvement" on that performance review were clearly things my soul just couldn't get on board with. What needed improvement was my job scenario... not me. There were just too many things about that job... and that company... that were out of alignment with my core values. When I fully realized that's what was going on, the Universe presented me with a new job. Thank. God. :-)
The thing about the whole "falling away" thing is that it doesn't happen overnight. And at the time you are going through stuff, the path is not always clear... and can sometimes feel like nothing is happening, when in fact, something is always happening. The value for me in looking back is really seeing that I really can trust myself... trust life... trust the Universe. There really is rhyme and reason. Or I choose to see it that way (though Eric and I sometimes wonder what our lives would have been like if we met each other sooner... but that's a whole other blog!). :-)
Now... about that "mood journal". :-) There was a period in my life when I was experiencing anxiety and depression on a pretty regular basis. So I decided to keep a journal of my moods to see if I could gain any insight as to what was going on underneath it all. What was revealed in the journal were themes of loneliness and disconnect. Some of it was situational, such as traveling a lot for my cruise ship job and living a sort of transient life... and some of it was overthinking and too much focus on my little "s" self. I tried anti-depressants briefly, but they didn't seem to make much difference, so I abandoned those. That's when I suspected it was more of a spiritual thing... that my spirit was trying to get my attention. And in that way, the anxiety/depression was truly a gift. But, oh man. Reading parts of that journal was almost exhausting... lol! But it gave me compassion for myself and my journey. I can't really say I've had major trauma in my life... on a scale some have had... but spiritual disconnect, especially for those who are spiritually sensitive, can make one feel literally ill. While I do believe medication can help people with chemical imbalances, it alone will not "cure" spiritual disconnect, which I happen to believe is the root cause of a lot of depression and anxiety. There's a longing to really feeI connected to the heart of life (call it God, Universe, Spirit, or whatever resonates), to our true Selves, and to each other. Having the awareness, tools, community, and relationships I have now has made all the difference... and reading that journal made me realize how dramatic the evolution has been.
So... "needs improvement"? I don't think so. :-) I'm all for stepping up and challenging ourselves in accordance with highest good, but I guess I just don't like the word "improve". To me, it implies "not good enough"... or simply "not enough". Instead, I rather like the idea of growing the best version of ourselves... and growing the best version of our lives and our world by honoring and respecting our true nature... love, peace, joy, harmony, prosperity, service... and letting the rest fall away. I know... easier said than done. Or undone. :-) But it's possible. I've experienced it in my own life. And that's a start.