This week, in an attempt to "clean house", I went through old documents in an accordian file... various documents from the past decade or so... literally "shredding" my past. Wow. All kinds of feelings came up, some of them unexpected, as I revisited years gone by. In addition to a "mood journal" from 11 years ago (What a trip! More on that later...), there was rental information from a variety of living scenarios, health records, check stubs and past employment documents. I've been so happy and at peace lately... living freer than I ever have in so many ways... that I had almost forgotten some of the trials and tribulations along my journey that brought me to where I am now. Uncomfortable as it was pouring through some of that paperwork, it gave me an even greater appreciation for where I am today. The lyrics to my song, What Falls Away, have never felt so true: "the hurting, the crying... the stumbling and trying... all part of a greater good... what falls away, brings me closer to what I'm meant to be...". And, just to be clear, it's not that things just... ta da!... fall away like magic. It's more about becoming aware of the things that are no longer serving our real selves and allowing them to fall away. And that process often takes great courage and strength. Growth... as in real change... is not necessarily meant to be comfortable. :-)
So, sifting through the documents, I came upon one in particular that hit a nerve. It was an annual performance review from my days as a salesperson for a retailer whose name I won't mention here. :-) There were a few "needs improvement" comments that, quite honestly, made me a little ill... remembering how hurt and angry I was... and how I felt completely unvalued at the time. But any remnants of those old feelings quickly gave way to gratitude. And relief. All the places of "needs improvement" on that performance review were clearly things my soul just couldn't get on board with. What needed improvement was my job scenario... not me. There were just too many things about that job... and that company... that were out of alignment with my core values. When I fully realized that's what was going on, the Universe presented me with a new job. Thank. God. :-)
The thing about the whole "falling away" thing is that it doesn't happen overnight. And at the time you are going through stuff, the path is not always clear... and can sometimes feel like nothing is happening, when in fact, something is always happening. The value for me in looking back is really seeing that I really can trust myself... trust life... trust the Universe. There really is rhyme and reason. Or I choose to see it that way (though Eric and I sometimes wonder what our lives would have been like if we met each other sooner... but that's a whole other blog!). :-)
Now... about that "mood journal". :-) There was a period in my life when I was experiencing anxiety and depression on a pretty regular basis. So I decided to keep a journal of my moods to see if I could gain any insight as to what was going on underneath it all. What was revealed in the journal were themes of loneliness and disconnect. Some of it was situational, such as traveling a lot for my cruise ship job and living a sort of transient life... and some of it was overthinking and too much focus on my little "s" self. I tried anti-depressants briefly, but they didn't seem to make much difference, so I abandoned those. That's when I suspected it was more of a spiritual thing... that my spirit was trying to get my attention. And in that way, the anxiety/depression was truly a gift. But, oh man. Reading parts of that journal was almost exhausting... lol! But it gave me compassion for myself and my journey. I can't really say I've had major trauma in my life... on a scale some have had... but spiritual disconnect, especially for those who are spiritually sensitive, can make one feel literally ill. While I do believe medication can help people with chemical imbalances, it alone will not "cure" spiritual disconnect, which I happen to believe is the root cause of a lot of depression and anxiety. There's a longing to really feeI connected to the heart of life (call it God, Universe, Spirit, or whatever resonates), to our true Selves, and to each other. Having the awareness, tools, community, and relationships I have now has made all the difference... and reading that journal made me realize how dramatic the evolution has been.
So... "needs improvement"? I don't think so. :-) I'm all for stepping up and challenging ourselves in accordance with highest good, but I guess I just don't like the word "improve". To me, it implies "not good enough"... or simply "not enough". Instead, I rather like the idea of growing the best version of ourselves... and growing the best version of our lives and our world by honoring and respecting our true nature... love, peace, joy, harmony, prosperity, service... and letting the rest fall away. I know... easier said than done. Or undone. :-) But it's possible. I've experienced it in my own life. And that's a start.
So, sifting through the documents, I came upon one in particular that hit a nerve. It was an annual performance review from my days as a salesperson for a retailer whose name I won't mention here. :-) There were a few "needs improvement" comments that, quite honestly, made me a little ill... remembering how hurt and angry I was... and how I felt completely unvalued at the time. But any remnants of those old feelings quickly gave way to gratitude. And relief. All the places of "needs improvement" on that performance review were clearly things my soul just couldn't get on board with. What needed improvement was my job scenario... not me. There were just too many things about that job... and that company... that were out of alignment with my core values. When I fully realized that's what was going on, the Universe presented me with a new job. Thank. God. :-)
The thing about the whole "falling away" thing is that it doesn't happen overnight. And at the time you are going through stuff, the path is not always clear... and can sometimes feel like nothing is happening, when in fact, something is always happening. The value for me in looking back is really seeing that I really can trust myself... trust life... trust the Universe. There really is rhyme and reason. Or I choose to see it that way (though Eric and I sometimes wonder what our lives would have been like if we met each other sooner... but that's a whole other blog!). :-)
Now... about that "mood journal". :-) There was a period in my life when I was experiencing anxiety and depression on a pretty regular basis. So I decided to keep a journal of my moods to see if I could gain any insight as to what was going on underneath it all. What was revealed in the journal were themes of loneliness and disconnect. Some of it was situational, such as traveling a lot for my cruise ship job and living a sort of transient life... and some of it was overthinking and too much focus on my little "s" self. I tried anti-depressants briefly, but they didn't seem to make much difference, so I abandoned those. That's when I suspected it was more of a spiritual thing... that my spirit was trying to get my attention. And in that way, the anxiety/depression was truly a gift. But, oh man. Reading parts of that journal was almost exhausting... lol! But it gave me compassion for myself and my journey. I can't really say I've had major trauma in my life... on a scale some have had... but spiritual disconnect, especially for those who are spiritually sensitive, can make one feel literally ill. While I do believe medication can help people with chemical imbalances, it alone will not "cure" spiritual disconnect, which I happen to believe is the root cause of a lot of depression and anxiety. There's a longing to really feeI connected to the heart of life (call it God, Universe, Spirit, or whatever resonates), to our true Selves, and to each other. Having the awareness, tools, community, and relationships I have now has made all the difference... and reading that journal made me realize how dramatic the evolution has been.
So... "needs improvement"? I don't think so. :-) I'm all for stepping up and challenging ourselves in accordance with highest good, but I guess I just don't like the word "improve". To me, it implies "not good enough"... or simply "not enough". Instead, I rather like the idea of growing the best version of ourselves... and growing the best version of our lives and our world by honoring and respecting our true nature... love, peace, joy, harmony, prosperity, service... and letting the rest fall away. I know... easier said than done. Or undone. :-) But it's possible. I've experienced it in my own life. And that's a start.
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